Do you give your power away in dating by asking this one question? Here are 11 ways to get it back.

You take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame. – Erica Jong.

power In dating, there’s one question you may be asking that hugely disempowers you.

 “WHY isn’t he calling”?!

You know what I’m talking about, girlfriend. You KNOW.

But.

This is not a post about how to get him to call. (He’s not calling because he’s just not that interested. Let it go).

This is not a post about him and his behaviour. (What he does or doesn’t do isn’t important here. What you do, is).

This isn’t a top 10 ways to manipulate him into loving you or be a love magnet kinda post either.

This is a conversation about YOU + how you give away your power.

(You might not be. In which case, high five, sister!).

It’s about awareness + taking responsibility + upping your standards for yourself and the people in your life.

If you’re anything like how I used to be, you may find yourself getting hooked on excitement and uncertainty. On the guy whose words set your imagination on fire. Who tells you how much he wants you, misses you, how you fill his life with positivity and happiness. Things are looking good.

And then… …… he doesn’t call.

1,2,3,4,7 days go by and no word.

This is when a grubby, whip wielding alien takes over your mind.

You’re overtaken by feelings of nervousness, anxiety, confusion, wondering what happened. How he really feels. Oh, the drama! Endless chats with girlfriends about the last message he sent, dissecting every bit of communication with “what did that mean”, scrutinising every word you said “should I have said/done that”, all with a single minded focus that would put a rocket scientist to shame.

You’re hurt. Angry. Confused. Text him, don’t hear back.

It’s like he just fell off the face of The Earth.  

You wonder what you did wrong and why you keep attracting (and being attracted to these phantom men). 

“Why can’t I just meet someone I like who’s ready and likes me too“, you think disappointedly.

You decide to move on. Then he suddenly calls like nothing happened. You’re sucked back in. The cycle continues a few more times.

STOP!!! Just.. stop.

Do you realise how much freakin’ energy you’re wasting!?

You’re way too fabulous to be doing the Dance of Dolefulness, Girl!

What if you could change his behaviour? What if that awesome guy you met was attentive and loving and exciting AND reliable + trustworthy?  

CAN YOU? Is it possible? Yes and No.

While you can’t make someone act differently, you CAN attract people into your life who adore you and treat you with mad respect.

And more importantly, change those feelings of confusion to clarity and confidence. 

This has little to do with them and everything to do with you.

Whether someone’s playing hot n’ cold with you, or you’re just out of a situation like that, these steps (in no particular order) will help you gain insight and get your POWER back.

1. Ask yourself if you’re really ready to meet someone amazing or if you’re subconsciously attracting unavailable men because of your own commitment fears. Being aware of + working on this = you’ll either stop attracting these men or stop being attracted to them. 

2. Stop NEEDING him to change. This doesn’t mean accepting his behaviour, rather, not letting yourself be triggered by him or his actions.

3. Pick up the mirror. How are YOU being unreliable and inconsistent towards yourself and others? Write down all the ways. When I did this, I was almost ashamed at what I discovered (but not really, thanks Brene Brown!). Definitely sobered.

  • I haven’t done at least 3 book reviews that I promised authors 1-2 years back
  • Didn’t launch Sparkle Flight Club as promised
  • I fall off the face of the Internet every few months and stop blogging
  • Haven’t created 2 eBooks I said I would in the past cpuple of years
  • I keep breaking all my healthy eating and working out plans
  • And… so on.

Transformation begins at home. KnowwhatI’msayin’? Be the kind of person you want in your life. 

4. Change your story about him. Stop focusing on how he’s MIA or letting you down. I don’t care if he is, just stop talking about it. I’m going all Law of Attraction on your a** here. What you put your attention on grows. Take your focus off what you don’t like and on what you do. This means…

5. Start noticing OTHER people in your life who are there for you. Is this a pattern in your life? If so, is it across the board or just in one area? Become aware of what + who’s around you and how they show up. Awareness is the # 1 key to change.

6. Affirmations! From “I attract the most amazing men” to “I am awesome & irresistible” – anything that makes you feel GOOD!

7. Forgive him and yourself for the anger / disappointment / frustration you hold. Write  100 times: I forgive you. Writing can be cathartic and help you let go of stuck energy. This creates space + openness in your heart and life!

8. Lower your expectations. Raise your standards. Instead of pining over the hot sexy guy who melts you and then leaves you to pick up the pieces, look for the guy who keeps his word. Who will be there for you when you need him. Seriously, what could possibly be hotter and sexier than that!? 

9. Don’t take it personally. Relationships are not about approval and validation. You simply cannot be “rejected”. All that happened is that you thought he was perfect for you and maybe where you are right now, that was true at some level. There was something you both needed to experience and you did.

However.

That does NOT mean he is THE ONE YOU WERE MEANT TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER. Let go and move on so you can meet someone who’s even more perfect for you than you can even imagine right now. He exists.

10. Use it as an opportunity for healing. If something triggers you badly and you can’t just shrug it off, it  goes way deeper. Check in with yourself. Are you feeling hurt? Rejected? Inadequate? What in the past is this reminding you of? When did you last feel like this? How do you want to feel? What do you need? Give yourself what you need, get energy work done, talk it out, shower yourself with love + kindness.

11. Practice being impeccable with your word. With EVERYONE – friends, family, colleagues, kids, the works. I had an experience with a friend who said one thing, and then didn’t match his actions to his words. Since I took what he said at face value, I was upset and confused when he ‘disappeared’ for 2 weeks. People easily say things without meaning them, leading to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It then takes an open conversation and sharing assumptions and feelings to move past that.

Be one of those whose words others can rely on and trust. No more mixed messages or blame games. Just truth telling with love and grace, even when inconvenient and scary. 

This takes courage + an incredible sense of integrity. It builds character in a person, and will attract people of character to you in return.

I hope these 11 tips will help you get your power back so you can consciously choose to stay or walk away in any such situation, without feeling stuck and helpless. Also, others will either step up to the plate and match your new way of being, or gravitate out of your existence. 

When you respect + love yourself, you won’t give a hoot about whether he called or not because you will have moved on and your life will be too full of those who do! 

No more making assumptions and asking what you could have done differently, okay?

Just say Thank You, and NEXT as you rock out your fabulous life!

Over to you – have you found yourself asking this question? What did you do? Please like, share, tweet, thanks!

z Tia Hi! I’m Tia. Multi-passionate Sparklepants, Life Lover, Curator of Awesome. I run this website featuring kickass inspiration to help you sparkle through life, no matter what! Click here to ignite your Inner Sparkle — that shimmery part of your spirit that says YES to courage + connection, and NO WAY to ‘shoulds’ + restrictions.

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  1. Dana Leigh Lyman says

    Wow, this is really wonderful and beautifully written. I very much needed this reminder today, truly I feel like I was meant to read this today since I had been spending my day bummed out about just this issue :) But after working my way through these steps and cannot believe how much better I feel. Thank you for this, such wonderful perspective and re-focus.

    • says

      Love it, Dana!! So happy to hear you’re feeling better. Amazing what a shift in perspective can do, huh? You’re SO much more in charge of your experiences than you may feel sometimes. Rock on, sistah! MWaaah!

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