Courting is a much sweeter term than ‘dating’. It sounds like it has more intent, more like an agreement that two people enter into with a future in mind. – Kim Cattrall.
I got to thinking the other day about courting and it’s lack-o-presence in this modern era of dating.
The way I used to react to it is as follows (imagine me saying this stuff, to myself, out loud, yes, out loud):
“Call me old fashioned, but shouldn’t there be some courting when it comes to dating, seduction, love, relationships, etc?
It used to be considered a standard when dating with the goal of a long term relationship. I guess not anymore.
I am serious. Where is the damn effort these days? At least act like you are trying for heaven’s sake.”
It’s an epidemic. It has definitely infiltrated the committed romantic relationship arena.
Whatever sliver of mindfulness and strategy that was still present in the purely casual (sexual) relationships arena is now gone altogether!
The following was an interaction I had last year over message/email on a dating site:
Him: “Hey how’s your weekend going?”
Me: “Hi! Weekend is going pretty good. Holiday get togethers with friends began Friday evening. My social butterfly side is happy. How about your weekend? This time around (being on dating site) not as much “luck” but I am still in a ‘not sure what I am looking to find on here’ state of mind. 🙂 How about you? Are you originally from OC?”
Him: “Yes I am. You’re really cute. Would you be down to hook up sometime?!”
Me: “Do you mean hang out and go grab a drink? That sounds cool.”
Him: “Drinks, make out, sex”
You sent me two messages on a dating site, which contained zero attempt at getting to know who I am or even answer my questions (i.e. converse), and you expect me to agree to have sex with you the first time we hang out?
True story by the way folks.
Excuse me for not jumping instantaneously at that amazing opportunity.
It’s called ‘working for it’ for a reason.
Do I go around thinking I can meet with a client, pay no attention or make zero acknowledgements of what they are saying, then have them pay me for my coaching services?
No. I don’t.
The way the world works is, rarely do you get something for nothing. There is always some sort of exchange happening.
Another pet peeve of mine is the person who makes plans with you and does not follow through. This most definitely falls under the demise of courting umbrella in my opinion.
Look, I am not expecting you to buy me dinner, or even buy my drinks if we decide to head to the bar. I get you don’t know me and are unsure of the role I will end up playing in your life.
But for goodness’ sake, at least SEDUCE ME!
That is what I am asking for. You know… flirt, use body language, flatter, be witty, use your sense of humor.
Lord knows there is no aphrodisiac more potent for a woman than good conversation and some belly laughs. The funnier I think you are, the more comfortable I feel taking things to the next level.
Most important, I need to feel like you actually want to connect with me, to be with me first. Not a lot to ask, at all.
I want to shout out:
Come on!! Try to put your best foot forward. Show me you are worth getting to know (yes, even intimately). Act interested at the very least. Gotta give to get you know?!?
Because when I get next to zero effort coming my way, I don’t know about you but this is what goes through my head: Put a little freaking effort in, for Christ’s sake. Because when you don’t it makes me feel like you could literally care less.
Honestly, who, in their right mind, would want to feel like they are not that important?
Maybe that is not the right question though … maybe the real question is:
Who, in their right mind, would allow others to make them feel like they are not that important?
This question right here, is what got me to see it differently.
No more pointing the finger outside, at THEM.
Inquire closer to home.
Maybe the courting has gone because we have allowed it to go?!
As the saying goes, “People will only treat you as bad as you let them”.
To me, courting is about really getting to know each other, which also means being yourself, in every way.
Part of being yourself, in my humble opinion, is being transparent about how much you like someone, to give your best and effortlessly share what it is you need because you know you deserve that.
If you believe ‘Who am I to want someone who showers me with attention’, well then you will act like that is not what you want (or need).
Guess what the chances are of ever getting ‘courted’ now? Exactly. Slim to none.
Reason #579 to just be yourself:
You may contribute to bringing courting back from the ‘dead.’
I don’t know about you, but that is a pretty noble reason for me!
What do you think? Has courting died? Can we in fact ‘bring it back’? How would you like to be courted??
Would love to hear your thoughts! Share in the comments below!
Natalie Vartanian, CPCC, ACC, is a certified life coach and an expert when it comes to sex and relationships. She knows it’s possible to have amazing love in an unconventional way. Find her at www.nataliethecoach.com, get her free in-depth love wish list worksheet & sign up for her newsletter. Interested in working with her? Through the end of December 2013, she is offering hour-long coaching or tarot sessions for only $50 that can be redeemed at any time. Find out more here!
Main pic credit: flickr.com/photos/lac-bac.