(I finished writing this post at 3am. Then, from 4am-5:30am, I rewrote it entirely. Here’s the unvarnished version cos you deserve the truth, not some hackneyed post glossing over the REAL stuff)
So ya’ll know how I decided Tuesday evening to take a 2 day “Time-Out” from the Internet, phone, people, work, action, plans, ideas, commitments etc?
When I said “If you listen closely to your intuition and all the signs around you, you will learn to trust (as I am), that this can only be good“?
I said I wanted to practice self care and spend time doing whatever appealed to me in the moment, something I thought would be a cinch seeing as I’m so good at doing what feels good. Well, that was 80% true.
Uh… the other 20%?
You see, I left out the reason why I wanted to do it.
The real truth is that I took that time out because I was getting carried away with seeking validation from external factors and it was starting to wear me out. There, I said it.
Can you say OBSESSION?
(And no, I’m not channeling Calvin Klein)
I’m talking about the insidious little devil called comparison. It’s bad enough to compare myself with others way ahead of me in terms of years and experience, but to constantly compare myself with myself too?
This ship was getting harder to steer and I was losing my peace of mind (pieces too).
(Btw, It’s already feeling good to fess up, although I was jittery at the start – make that Day 31 of 100 days!)
My obsession with “social proof”, blog stats, twitter followers, facebook fans, alexa & google page ranks, creating a powerful and engaged community, numerics and other non-blog related life desires that I dated with “must have & do” by such and such time, was getting out of hand.
Those of you who blog know what I’m talking about, right? We can get so addicted to external manifestations of success that we lose sight of why we’re doing something. Sometimes, if #’s didn’t show an increase from the previous week or month, I’d feel like I wasn’t “doing enough”. And think of ways I could do better and be more authentic (recurring theme in my life).
Trying to be more authentic = one simply can’t be authentic. Because, as my favourite Yoda-ism goes: Do or Do Not, There Is No TRY. You are either authentic or you’re not. Period.
Ouch. I guess once you start being authentic, it doesn’t mean you will automatically carry on being. It requires constant awareness and “work”. Could that be cos authenticity requires vulnerability?
And being vulnerable is scary for the best of us?
I’d wager a yes.
When this blog went from 20 million to 510,000 within 3 months of me launching it, I was OVER the moon! Then I went travelling in July and it’s since dropped to about 1.3 million.
I hated going from nothing to something and sliding back to a little less something again (wow, get a LOAD of me – I hated it, really!? Hate?! Do I smell a little .. attachment here ;)?
We tend to overlook the progress we’ve made when we look at how far we still have to go.
I still want all that I do – to be the best in my field, super successful, happy, write great posts, work with amazing people, make a difference, get married, travel, grow roses, live my dream life..
Except now, I have more patience and compassion for myself. Like most of us, I’m the hardest on myself. Keeping up to my standards is exhausting.
Which brings us back to Tuesday. When I decided I had to make a stand for myself, against myself, to remind me of what’s really important. I.e.,
The passion and love I have for writing, self improvement, personal growth, coaching, having fun, connecting with people and living an inspired life.
(Which is why I started blogging in the first place. To share my experiences, inspire people AND learn from them. And attract a community of like minded peeps. And make great friends.. And..and..ok, ok)
Even during those 2 days, at 1st I tried to be ultra-productive as in: “I’d-better-do-some-good-introspective-work, figure-out-where-I-need-to-grow-and-learn-and-do-it, so-I-have-something-to-show for-this. So-that-when-I’ve-sorted-it-out, everything-will-just-come-to-me-easy-peasy-forever-n-ever”
(Oh my, I just can’t help laughing here! Even when I’m introspecting, I’m doing a number on myself!! That’s hilarious, right!!? Giggle! Snort! LOL!)
Day 1 was a bit of back and forth between wanting to be productive and just goofing off, till I took myself for a walk in the rain and ended up with fear-day #30.
Day 2 was a real laid back, watching movies and reading Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” kinda gig. That’s when it started to get good, real good.
So good that I’m going to share it with you. The edumacation I got when I decided to just be open to whatever showed up! Handpicked are Tolle’s simple and profound teachings that seemed to leap off the pages I was on …
- The mind holds the unconscious belief that its resistance, (which you experience as negativity or unhappiness in some form), will somehow dissolve the undesirable condition.
- But resistance leads to more of the same.
- The way to attain peace? Don’t look for it. Nothing you seek is outside of you. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now.
- When you completely accept the lack of what you seek, it gets transmuted into what you seek (this one really spoke to me – I reckon it’s where my intuition was leading me – ya THINK!?)
- The outer situation of your life is like a lake’s surface – calm, windy, rough according to seasons. Deep down, the lake is always undisturbed.
Because the truth is, I’m further along on my path than I’d ever imagined, I’m rocking this joint called life, I’m truly happy and successful, have an awesome community of friends and readers, love what I do, know some of the most amazing people ever, sparkle with good vibe energy, have big plans and live a good, simple life.
As Stuart Smalley says: I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me! *wink*
Time-Out gave me a chance to embrace my blessings, an opportunity to practice extreme self care, insights into my patterns, face my ego-based fears, become aware of the attachment to externals, and taught me to not equate performance with popularity.
It also gave me lots of chocolate cake. Yes sirree, life is GOOD. Now where shall I send the comparison monster..
If you actually read all the way through, send me your deets and I’ll send you over some Nutella! Boy I had a lot to say thanks for reading 🙂 I won’t ask you any questions this time, feel free to share whatever pops up. Maybe let intuition guide you. I love you!